I sometimes candidly refer to people's legs as...
I don’t remember where I first heard the phrase but I love it.
Has anyone perfected time-travel yet? Because I...
I just hope [Obama, Gates, and Crowley] remember my racial drinking rule:...– Steven Colbert
11 Sexiest Items For Sale at the 99 Cents Only... →
I need some good Would You Rathers. Any...
Shark Week begins Monday, August 2, on Discovery →
I think someone secretly installed a sensor at my...
Seriously. It’s been happening all day. I step away from my desk for a minute and sixteen people call. I come back and the phone is silent for an hour. Then I start to get busy and nineteen more people all try to call me at the same time. I’m going to search for that sensor or camera. It has to be here somewhere.
Love at first sight
Child: I turned on the channel and then mommy started yelling, "No, no, turn it off!"
Mother: She found a porn channel.
Child: I liked it because everyone was kissing.
from Overheard In New York
Meaning is relative
Ghetto girl: Jes-tay-shun! Gestation. What does that mean?
Ghetto girl's friend, thoughtfully: Like... Digestion.
from Overheard In New York
And the rain starts.
I enjoy classical music, but when I'm on hold on...
massromantic: My brain just fucking exploded. Bill …. O’Reilly …. defending …. Obama? How can this be? How is this possible? Where am I? PLEASE. SOMEONE. MAKE SENSE OF THIS SOMEHOW. Wow. You would think the birthers would listen to someone from the Republican camp. Let’s hope this clip helps.
I just choked. On water.
Now my eyes won’t stop watering and it’s making me tired.
I found a new store while I was on lunch break. ...
It had tons of Blu-Ray movies for $16, Blu-Ray tv seasons for around $30, tons of regular dvds and music cds for between $4 and $8. So, I bought a couple old ACDC albums that I am getting ready to rock out to. Watch out.
11 Things That Are Weird To Do Alone, In... →
I want to go ride a roller coaster. Right now.
I have a really short attention span.
It’s for this reason that “real jobs” scare me. I can’t imagine doing the same thing, all day every day.
Dear order taker: I'm not quite sure how "Diet...
(via inothernews) The same happened to me today except I asked for a bottle water and they gave me Diet Coke. I made them take it back, though because I don’t drink soda.
Some people make me want to take a cheese-grater...
littleorphanammo: twothirty: We, as guys, sometimes lie. Okay, scratch that. We often lie. uh….i’m not trying to be a dick, but…why the gender specificity? Cause I’m here to tell you, friend, we, as women, sometimes lie. Actually, nevermind. We often lie. So, I guess we can say fairly conclusively that all humans lie—often.
We, as guys, sometimes lie. Okay, scratch that. We often lie.
You think anyone would notice if I took a nap...
And then in the summertime such extreme summertime about a hundred and fifty...– Palin’s farewell speech (Full transcript) OMG. (via ayse) I honestly think that she thinks she is making sense. (Should we tell her she’s not or would that ruin her dreams of a best-selling book?)
Apatow on how to learn nothing from a near-death... →
“My goal was to make a film that was just as funny as my other two films, but which also dug a lot deeper and was not afraid to be more emotional,” Judd Apatow said. “We didn’t put anything in the film just to be funny—it also had to get at the truth of this type of situation. It was very scary because I am so used to letting the laugh count guide me as to whether or...
I have placed myself on a healthy eating and...
I need to tone up so I can hit the beach.
Bust Your Windows, a sneak-peek at an upcoming scene from Glee
Currently: filling out scholarship apps
Hawaii once again confirms that Pres. Obama was... →
What more do these Birthers need to hear?! Seriously. I’ve got one nerve left and the Birthers are stomping all over it.
Sometimes swearing is the only rational reaction.
My sister dropped her phone in the toilet. So, my...
One of the corner-office guys in my office just...
Documentary of the Day: Heavy Metal in Baghdad →
“Nobody was expecting that in Iraq heavy metal could exist…We started it and we’re not gonna stop.” —Acrassicauda In the late summer of 2006, in the middle of the insurgency, filmmakers Eddy Moretti and Suroosh Alvi traveled to Baghdad to meet and interview Iraq’s only heavy metal band, Acrassicauda. “Heavy Metal in Baghdad” is the story of the...
I have been at work for an hour but it feels like...
The OctoMom has signed a reality show deal for... →
I promise, this woman needs to have an intervention because she is going way too far by cashing in on her kids.
I just had a rubber-band war with a 6-year old. ...
Paula: Hey, hey.
Kit: Hey, Paula. Good news. It's Champagne Thursday.
Paula: It's Friday.
Kit: Uh, yeah, Thursday came twice this week.
Paula: For the third straight week.
Kit: There's talk of making it permanent.
Paula: Oh, kind of like Daylight Saving's Time?
Kit: Right, but for booze.
From "Failure To Launch"
Can you imagine how quiet the world would be...
Why do I have to be stuck in the office on a...